Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Hidden Truth Behind the Light Bulb

Yesterday someone- I don't know who, the usual suspects I presume- was asking us all to turn off our lights for an hour. My first thought when I chanced to hear about it was that 8:30 PM is entirely the wrong time of day for that sort of thing, since at this time of year there is almost nowhere in the world you can see without artificial light at that time. It also struck me as unlikely that the power stations can respond to small fluctuations on that time-scale, so no energy will actually be saved. On the other hand, for those who like to worry about this sort of thing it is an act of symbolic importance to sit in the dark for an hour, and for the rest of us it serves as a reminder that if we light the rooms we are not in we are just increasing our bill, and so lining the pockets of those ruthless capitalists we hear so much about. More on this in a moment.

Others have urged us to celebrate, at the same time, the fact that we as a species have learned how to light up the darkness, talk across the world, and control our environment so that we can live long, healthy, comfortable and contented lives (anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem). To me this seems well worth celebrating, and only the fact that I had no desire to add a few pence to the sum I pay every month to the greedy capitalists (see above, below, and much of this blog for more information) stopped me turning on everything in the house from the sheer joy of living in such a world.

But then I began to investigate, idly at first, and I discovered something astounding- a conspiracy on a vast scale, hidden in plain sight, like the purloined letter. We are being forced to consume light by a capitalist plot which benefits shadowy figures who might be used as metonyms of pure evil.

Cui bono, I thought. Who can be interested in persuading us that a world full of artificial light is such an unquestionably wonderful thing, converting our passion for luminescence into a form of religion?

To cut a long story short, I embarked on an exhaustive and dangerous investigation, involving going under deep cover in the rare earth mines of Eastern Europe, and meetings in tastelessly decorated offices in various European capitals with men with gold teeth and suspicious bulges in their trousers (and believe me they were not pleased to see me). And I discovered this truth:

The capo di capi of the international scandium maffia is this man, Tim Worstall. Sinister and secretive (do you know what scandium is? Exactly, he doesn't want us to know) he is known to live in the south of Portugal, but the precise location is 'unknown'. He clearly has powerful friends. He controls a number of propaganda organs, including the Adam Smith Institute, the Register, the American and, it is even suggested, parts of the Guardian.

This is a man who claims to be a liberal, a free-marketeer, and even, just today, a socialist. He will clearly say anything he thinks may be expedient. He defends a professed belief in capitalism, markets, freedom and personal choice on the ludicrous grounds that they work, increasing prosperity and human happiness. He only, by this, shows his greed, his love of money and power, and his skill in manipulating ordinary people. He doesn't link to my blog, and he doesn't answer my comments, and I say, enough is enough.

Light is the opium of the people, electricity is the root of all evil, there exists a hideous plot to control the world through dependence on electricity, and it all comes back to Tim Worstall. Every time we buy a light bulb, every time we flick a switch, we put money in his pocket. It is time to stand up and say no, I WILL NOT BE LIT.

Note: Nanny says it's time I had my cocoa, and pehaps, a lie-down. But I'll be back.

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